Holding it all

In such a short time, the world has changed

When I take my awareness inside, there is a lot to welcome. A huge span of responses, feelings and reactions. I want to share what comes for me to maybe support you in making sense and welcoming of what might be moving through you in these times.

I'm worried, (or is that a part of me? sometimes it is not so clear) As I sense it now, I can feel it is a part. It's worried about many things. It's worried about me dying, leaving my not so grown up son without a father for one thing. And... even though another part of me knows it is unlikely that I might die of Covid-19, itÂ
might happen. And for certain I will die of something. I will at some point leave those I love or those I love will leave me. I sense tears and a shakiness. Like that simple truth is so much closer now. It was never far away and has always been true - death comes to us all.

Then I can sense a field of uncertainty. For some reason that phrase fits. It's not like a part that feels uncertain. It is a field, a broader expanse of uncertainty that I find my body in. And in some ways, that too was always there, but it's more vivid and felt right now. And it does not feel all bad, just... uncertain, like a misty walk and the landscape ahead is not clear and no matter what some part of me might want, it remains unclear.

And then, there is some kind of relief and aliveness. It's like the merry go round of "business as usual" has stopped and we are all stumbling off a busy world and seeing it freshly. Yes, there is possibility. Maybe we could radically change things, maybe the world could be different from how it was. This little virus has stopped me and us in our tracks. For all the pain it brings, it brings other shifts too.

And I also sense a part of me that says I should not say this out loud. I am aware that saying it comes from a place or relative security and "privilege" (A tricky word for sure). I know people on the front line of this pandemic that are in such a different world, maybe this  situation feels like a hell to them. So I am honouring that too. I make space for these realities I am not in, but know are there. There is grief and worry here too.

I imagine all this to be held in a large pair of arms, arms holding it all.

That is what is there for me right now as I write. You might have some of these guests (as Rumi calls them) or others I have not named. Maybe you are sick yourself with the virus or are grieving a lost a relative from it. Maybe you have parts that have been brought to life by the stress of it all, parts that cope and manage through compulsions (I do!). Maybe you feel grateful for what you do have. All of this is welcome. All parts of you are welcome.

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